Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles

June 29th, 2009

Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles

Here at HustlerWold Estates, Stables, and Topiary Maze some of our favorite reading material besides Taboo and Barely Legal Magazine is Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles. This joyful comic follows a hard drinking, drug addled, sex obsessed teddy bear and his human companion as they confabulate topics such as debilitating loneliness, how many times you can masturbate in one day, and most importantly; what if Jesus were to kick a kitten in the face.

We got the creator of this fine comic, Neil Swaab on the line to answer some dire questions about his love life, fan mail, and the subtleties of amputee porn.

Neil, where did the idea of an x-rated teddy bear come from?
It was based off of the teddy bear I had as a child. I mean, didn’t everyone’s teddy bear snort Angel Dust, molest house pets, and have an addiction to high-stakes gambling and barely-legal porn?

What were the influences to start the comic?
The comic started same reason all great male artists arrive at their craft: as a way to meet girls. Because, really, nothing is cooler to women than drawing comics. Nothing. Well, except maybe model train collecting. Those guys are just swimming in it.

Besides that very very horribly ridiculously misguided notion, I started because it seemed fun. When I was in college, I had a couple of friends who did a comic for our school newspaper and every once in a while I would give them a joke and it always went over well with the readers so I thought, “Well, I should just make my own comic.” And that’s what I did. Like most of the projects I involve myself in, they usually start with just an impulse to do something that seems fun that may also, possibly, with some hope lead to a situation where I might meet girls. I’m thinking my next project might involve some kind of amateur ventriloquism. Girls think that’s cool, right?

What’s the dirtiest joke you know?
Well, there’s this great rib-tickler of a joke I know about the sedimentary geology of Staten Island Serpentinite. Wait, you’re talking about a different kind of dirty joke, aren’t you?

Has there been any idea you thought was too offensive to use in your comics?
Of course! Quite a few. And one day when I decide I want to end my career in a blaze of glory, I’ll publish them.

If Mr. Wiggles made a porno, what would it be like?
It would be total art porn. It would be shot on Super 8 Film and have lots of imagery of the holocaust and naturalist water births inter-splice into sections of couples fornicating in all sorts of positions and groupings. Halfway through, the film would stop and there would just be a lone dancer doing a choreographed ballet recital set to Chopin’s Noctourne in C-sharp minor Lento con gran espressione. And then a series of explosions would take place and the couples would start having sex again, building into an orgasmic crescendo as, behind them, videos would play of The Iran-Contra Scandal, Watergate, and Abe Zebrudher’s JFK assassination tape. It would finally end as the couples collapsed onto each other and the ballet dancer’s head exploded mimicking our fallen president’s. A lone voice would then shout out, “Sex is life is death is life is birth is destruction!” and the reel would burn to white. The entire film would be thirteen hours long with German subtitles.

When you first show a woman you’re dating the comic, what’s her reaction?
She usually loves it. But then again, the women I date love everything I do. That’s what escorts are paid for.

Oh, but I kid; I can’t afford escorts.

In reality though, it covers all spectrums. I’ve dated women who hated it to women who liked it better than they liked me. Mostly, I’ve found it to be a good way to gauge their coolness factor and see who actually has a sense of humor. Luckily my current girlfriend is a big fan so no worries there.

Has the comic hindered your love life?
Absolutely. I mean, sure, I could blame my fear of intimacy, inability to commit, lousy love-making skills, and crippling insecurities, but it’s a lot easier to blame the comic. Yes, the comic is the problem. I’m fine.

Amputee porn or Midget porn?
This is like that Coke or Pepsi question: both are incredible and classic choices, each with their own unique appeal. That being said, definitely amputee porn. But only single below-the-knee amputees. And it has to be their left leg. None of this above-the-knee right-legged amputee bullshit they try to pass off on you. That’s Bush League.

Clown porn or Furry porn?
Clown porn. Bright orange pubic hair really does it for me.

If you weren’t making comics, what would you be doing?
Probably something that pays better like working night shift as a dishwasher at a 24-hour diner on a forgotten stretch of highway in the Arizona dessert.

What’s the most memorable piece of hate mail? most memorable fan mail?
The most memorable piece of hate mail I got was from a guy in prison saying he wanted to rape me with a plastic shiv. Coincidentally, that’s also my most memorable fan mail. I love Dad’s annual X-mas cards.

Save your allowance, and sell your sisters kidney on eBay, the third compendium of Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles comes out July 1st!