You probably won't find this through NetFlix or rummaging around some dusty thrift store with other dumpster-diving hipsters, but the good folks at 5minutestolive.com have done the legwork for you. Isn't that nice of them?
What has any of this to do with porn? Er, quite a lot actually... rock music, drugs, suicide, bad fashion, and bad music. Case closed.
As the DVD sleeves states, this is an amazing Christian propaganda film that focuses on the evils of rock music. See young Jeff ignore his mother and his preacher as he turns to the evil pleasures of really bad 70's cock rock. Apparently rock leads to all things bad, including suicide, drug use and amazingly awful fashion.
One of the most famous and wonderful of all Christian scare films, this one really packs on the preachy moments, going as far as showing a fully converted Jeff telling his rock n' roll friends that they are nothing by evil sinners, living the devil's life of rock debauchery.
Also on this disc is the jaw dropping video Ms. Velma's Most Incredibly Magnificent Christmas Week! Ms. Velma is an L. A. evangelist who teaches that beauty and fashion go hand and hand with the Lord and his word. This is her Christmas special, which she performs in a completely empty auditorium along with her youth choir, which is made up of a bunch of 42-year-old men!
This video is quite long by Interweb standards—almost seven and a half minutes—but it's more than worth watching. Frank sex talk between mother and daughter has never been this awesome or informative.
Things we learned about the ladies:
If the man ain't comin', he gonna be goin' somewhere else, puttin' his penis in someone else.
A lot of women will laugh and talk about a man if his penis is small.
Just because a man is in love with your vagina doesn't mean he's in love with you.
Dick will make you slap somebody.
The penis is a heat-seeking missile, like a rocket. Information is encoded in it making it do what it do.
Men launch their penis up in the vaginal canal. As a woman relaxes and breathes and sits on that penis and rock and move and rotate and find her rhythm and go up and down and back and forth and around in a circle, she starts getting her groove back. (Editor's Note: So that's how Stella did it!)
When the parts of penis hit them vagina walls, harmonizing and making them sing, a woman feels like she's in church jumping and shouting.
We're usually not fans of Celine Dion 'round these parts (Editor's Note: Liar!), but taken in the context of this video, she makes total sense. We've already booked our trip to Vegas. We're gonna try and catch one of her last shows at Caesar's Palace.
We now present: Animals Masturbating to Celine Dion
We are in no way condoning bestiality—man on beast action ain't our thang. Beast on his/herself action, however, totally cool.
PS - We can't tell if that headline is as clever as we think it is or we're just woozy from the "Master Cleanse".
Well, according the the Iranian parliament they are. As CNN reports, the country's governing body approved that "producers of pornographic works and main elements in their production are considered corruptors of the world and could be sentenced to punishment as corruptors of the world."
The term "corruptor of the world" is taken from the Koran where it is considered to be the most heinous of individual criminal offenses. Because the Iranian government is so awesome, this particular crime is punishable by death. Who would of thought that filming 3 people in consensual, double-anal sex would have anything to do with the erosion of global values?
We don't want to live in a world where those responsible for creating titles like Cum Junkies Like Cock, Do Me Right, White Boy #18, and The Gapes of Wrath can be punished with the ol' noose.
But then we remember we don't live in that world. We have color television, paved roads, and personal hygiene. They have lashings, extremism, and diarrhea inducing cuisine.
We think it's the 10th anniversary of P.T. Anderson's Boogie Nights or something, so we wanted to share this mashup. It features Luke Skywalker as an intergalatic Dirk Diggler. Good stuff.
If you feel like braving the banner ad ghetto that is XFanz.com, they've been running a series to celebrate one of P.T. Anderson's finest films. Check it out here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.
We're huge fans of Digital Playground here at HW HQ. We like pretty girls and comedy and that's what DP features in every title they release, especially their Jack's ___________ series. Their BTS clips alone are usually worth your hard-earned money.
Check out the most recent trailer for Jack's POV 6. It's pretty standard stuff (albeit Shay Jordan is insanely gorgeous) as far as trailers go until they reach the part featuring Shy Love. If you know anything about Shy at all, you'll understand why we find this so incredibly funny. It's kind of a cheap shot and we're pretty amazed at the ballsiness of including it, but we're happy they did.
And if you're interested in purchasing this fine title, you might consider stopping by HustlerHollywood. It's $5 cheaper there than on DP's site. Why? Because we care.
Our boss has caused quite a stir with the ad he ran in the Washington Post last weekend. When CNN decides to cover a move made by the legendary pornographer, it's kind of a big deal. Check out Wolf Blitzer discussing Larry's offer...
In a completely unrelated note, during our college years in DC we had gotten very drunk with our friends and heckled the piss out of Wolf when we came across him doing a live shot in front of the White House. It got to the point where we had half of the gawking crowd screaming "Wolf Blitzer!" and the other half responding with "Made up his name!"
If you've neither heard about nor played with Google Maps' new "Street View" function, you are missing out on what could possibly be the very reason the Internet was invented.
A little background: Google has been sending cars with specially equipped 360° cameras mounted on their roofs to systematically take pictures of cities around the United States. They've integrated these photos with their map feature and created a navigable environment where one can "walk" down streets.
Describing this new feature completely pales to seeing it in action for yourself, so we'll stop.
While some people are understandably upset about the privacy issues this raises, we're just psyched we've found yet another way to avoid doing work. If you find anything else noteworthy, feel free to let us know at Info@HustlerWorld.com.
We don't like to advocate the use of condoms...they're uncomfortable, smelly and hurt the abortion industry's bottom line. But we must give credit to Durex for dropping one of the most amusing Father's Day (let alone condom) ads we've come across.
The newspaper isn't actually, ya know, performing in movies or anything. That would be just plain silly. And weird. And a stupid joke. The not-LA Times is covering the industry in a 6-part series called "Exposed: Porn In The Valley". Each section discusses a particular facet (history, health, finance, etc.) of the 90 trillion-dollar-a-year business.
We're kinda stoked they didn't call the series "eXXXposed".
The whole thing is nothing special, but it's worth a read. Think of it like a college survey class: useless fodder for cocktail parties without any real analysis or insight.
(The rest of the package isn't supposed to be made available until later in the week, but because we're so brilliant we figured out a way around this.)
Despite being about two decades behind when it comes to having any sort of musical taste (Editor's Note: Motley Cruë is the best live band? Really?), the participants in Rock Confidential's First Annual Reader's Choice Awards are on point when it comes to pornography. Check out the two categories we won:
BEST ADULT MAGAZINE
Hustler
BEST ADULT DVD SERIES
Barely Legal
You can check out the rest of the winners here. Scroll down about halfway or you might feel an indescribable urge to tease your hair, get some bad tattoos and drink Coors Lite.
When our mom caught us with a copy of Suck My Cock, I'll Fuck Your Face during our formative years, she was less than pleased. Our punishment? Being made to watch it with her as she explained why pornography is anti-woman. Needless to say, our psychological scars run so deep that our therapy bill is in the low six figures.
Nautica Thorn, star HUSTLER Video's new release, The Da Vinci Load 2: Angels & Semen, recently braved the overwhelming enthusiasm and banner ads found in the XFanz offices to film a segment called "The Booble Minute".
News of the World amusingly reports that "shocked iPod bosses are iRate" over a sex toy and its accompanying advertising campaign.
Ann Summers' iGasm is a device that hooks up with your iPod and syncopates the music with a vibrator. The sales pitch reads: "Go at it hard and fast with a pounding drum 'n' bass track or chill with ambient classic." The ad itself looks like the ubiquitous "silhouettes" Apple has unleashed on buildings and bus stops worldwide, except there's a wire coming out of the lady's cooter region.
Apple has reportedly sicced the lawyers on the Ann Summers retail chains, sending what amounts to be a takedown notice: "We hope this request to remove it immediately will prevent us having to consider further action."
Whatever.
We're more interested in seeing the thing in action, as we welcome any and all bedroom assistance. Actually, we just want to make the most absurd playlist possible and subject our girlfriend to it. A few ideas:
"Dueling Banjos" by Arthur "Guitar Boogie" Smith and Don Reno
Anything by The Residents
"Raining Blood" from Slayer
"Benzi Box" by DangerDoom
Wu-Tang's entire catalog
If there are any other songs or artists that might freak our special lady out, send 'em along. We grow tired of monogamy.
If you weren't able to check out Larry discussing Jerry Falwell last night, you missed one of the few classy reactions to the news of the reverend's passing.
Thankfully, the Internets come to the rescue once again:
Part I:
Part II:
Watching Larry show such respect and deference towards a man he had life-long, fundamental differences with is a great demonstration of the tolerance that the late reverend so often failed to afford those he had issue with.
SugarDVD is a fantastic site for those looking for a Netflix-like solution for their porn viewing needs. Just ask Donna Martin.
The company recently made and then withdrew an offer to purchase a "celebrity" sex tap featuring Lauren Conrad and Jason Wahler of "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" "fame". Making the offer was a no-brainer, but why'd they withdraw it?
Well, according a company spokesperson, it has to do with something Mr. Wahler said during his recent arrest:
"At the scene of his fourth arrest, Wahler made several comments that did not sit well with our company. SugarDVD finds these remarks disgusting and emotionally disturbing and we refuse to support any person who feels that it is in any way acceptable to rattle off racial slurs and slanderous language about African-American people..."
Apparently, Jason's racism is somehow different than SugarDVD offering titles like "Sierra Has a Negro Problem" or "My Daughter's Fucking Blackzilla" or "Slant Eye for the White Guy".
Before attempting to take the moral high-ground, they might want to examine what exactly they're selling.
But wait! Could this entire episode be nothing more than a cheap attempt at getting some free publicity? Nah...not in porn...never!
In case you missed Hustler's newest contract star on Adam Carolla this morning, we're doing you a solid and linking to the audio feed of her interview.
To be honest, we've never really been a fan of Adam "American Genius" Carolla. We don't dislike him, but we just never became an admirer during his tenure with Loveline. However, after listening to clips of today's show—available here—we're changing our tune. He gives great interview.
Highlights include:
Nikki Nine. (naturally)
A crazy Christian lady calling in and demonstrating what it's like to be both crazy and Christian. The two can be mutually exclusive, but in this particular case they aren't. We're also pretty sure she used the word "slutlet" to describe Nikki, which is pretty funny.
Learning that today is David Lee Roth's 52nd birthday.
Discovering that one of Nikki's ex-boyfriends ("I smell a little junior college coming from your direction" — Adam) is now dating the girl that Nikki cheated on him with. Awesome.
Anywho...do yourself a favor and check out the interview.
Also, make sure to check out Nikki's MySpace page. It's got all you could possibly want to know and more.
For those of you living under a rock for the past 3 or 4 months, somehow Michael Ninn got Eddie Van Halen to write and record two new tracks for his latest movie, Sacred Sin. We don't know how he did it, but we all owe Mr. Ninn our gratitude. Check out this promotional clip for the movie, featuring Mr. Halen doing what he does best.
And if your interest is sufficiently piqued (and it should be) you can pick up a copy of the Ninn Worx release from the store that thinks David Lee Roth is the only frontman Van Halen should ever have, HustlerHollywood.com.
Too bad he couldn't deal with the $50 million and creative freedom that Comedy Central offered him because, as this clip shows, Dave Chapelle is one funny man.
Tori Spelling Rents Porn Online, World Spins Off Its Axis
Page Six recently reported that Tori Spelling told Giant she gets her porn from SugarDVD.
Before Jax Smith, SugarDVD's owner, could release a list of what she rented, her people promptly and understandably put a stop to it. Can't have the world knowing that Donna likes herself some gangbangs of the world's oldest variety.
Instead of outing the former 90210-castmate and current noTORIous star as freakier than most, Jax offered her free porn for life in the form of a Sugar Star Card (a gold card, with some diamonds—more likely CZs—sprinkled on it). In fact, he went even further and said, "We are also offering our Sugar Star Card to any A-list celebrity that mentions using our service in the press. It is part of our 'SugarDVD - Porn for the Stars' campaign."
While calling Aaron's Spelling's daughter an "A-list celebrity" is laughable, we can't argue with the concept of offering celebrities free stuff to pimp your product to the masses. Lord knows if anyone needs free stuff, it's people who can more than afford it.
Did You Hear the One About the Kid's Show Host Who Lost Her Job Due to Lack of Foresight?
Meet Miss Melanie Martinez. Until very recently, she was the host of PBS's "The Good Night Show," a collection of stories and cartoons attempting to lull our nation's fat children to sleep. She lost her job because of this...
Like all ousted-due-to-poor-decision-making-abilities-former-professionals, she's more than welcome to work for us. We're going to have to see a resume and three letters of recommendation though...children's programming is obscene.
We've asked a lot of you today. Too many words, not enough nudity...we know, we know. Anyway, here's a version of the previously-mentioned "Aristocrats" joke as told by the children of Southpark.
This makes us giggle everytime we watch it. Behold...two Fleshlight "mouths" singing "Afternoon Delight". Yet another reason why Al Gore invented the Internet.
Here's a little clip from the more-than-consistently good Daily Show. Louie Gohmert doesn't exactly like decorated veteran Jack Murtha's proposal to withdraw our troops from the retardation that is Iraq. The video gets amazing at about the 50 second mark. Enjoy!
The New York Times asks, "Do My Knees Look Fat to You?" As a matter of fact, they do. Now go get me a sandwich, fatty!
Admit it. You used to masturbate to Pamela Anderson's slo-mo run along the beach at the beginning of every Baywatch episode. Think that's still possible? Sheesh.
This story reminds of us a joke a dearly departed grandmother told us: What's better than winning five gold medals at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
This poor woman lost her job because her boobies got bigger. She should apply for a job here at HustlerWorld. We're always looking for interns with ginormous racks.
FEMA might think that spending money on "adult erotica" constitutes fraud, but we disagree. The money was for disaster relief. And what offers more peace of mind than looking at jubblies?
We agree with the New York Times about breast feeding. But while they think that bottle feeding is dangerous, we just like seeing ta-tas in public.
Continuing today's theme of mammary worship, check out this nice young San Diegoan's blog about her breast-enhancement surgery. Did we mention we need interns?
If anyone knows where we can get a hold of this yearbook let us know and we'll pay top dollar. And by "top dollar" we mean "nothing." Still, it'd be nice to have a copy.
A teacher carrying on an innapropriate relationship with one of her students is de rigueur at this point. This one, however, is girl on girl. Boner inducing.
We like this guy's moxie. We can, in fact, laugh at ourselves.
We grew up in the town next to this one. Good to see ol' Snortport is still making headlines.
Project Gutenberg—named after this guy, not this guy—has finally released an electronic book that we might actually make use of. The 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue by Captain Grose et al. is full of obscure words and phrases that are sure to help us out when we are at a loss. To wit:
ADMIRAL OF THE NARROW SEAS: One who from drunkenness vomits into the lap of the person sitting opposite to him.
ARBOR VITAE: A man's penis.
STATE: To lie in state; to be in bed with three harlots.
Look for us to make full use of this dictionary in the future. Who said writing about pornography can't be educational?
You probably won't find this through NetFlix or rummaging around some dusty thrift store with other dumpster-diving hipsters, but the good folks at 5minutestolive.com have done the legwork for you. Isn't that nice of them? 
Well, according the the Iranian parliament they are. As CNN 
We're huge fans of Digital Playground here at HW HQ. We like pretty girls and comedy and that's what DP features in every title they release, especially their Jack's ___________ series. Their BTS clips alone are usually worth your hard-earned money. 
If you've neither heard about nor played with Google Maps' new "Street View" function, you are missing out on what could possibly be the very reason the Internet was invented.
The newspaper isn't actually, ya know, performing in movies or anything. That would be just plain silly. And weird. And a stupid joke. The not-LA Times is covering the industry in a 6-part series called "Exposed: Porn In The Valley". Each section discusses a particular facet (history, health, finance, etc.) of the 90 trillion-dollar-a-year business. 
Despite being about two decades behind when it comes to having any sort of musical taste (Editor's Note: Motley Cruë is the best live band? Really?), the participants in Rock Confidential's First Annual Reader's Choice Awards are on point when it comes to pornography. Check out the two categories we won:
In case you missed Hustler's newest contract star on Adam Carolla this morning, we're doing you a solid and linking to the audio feed of her interview.