Here Golfer, Golfer, Golfer
Cinco de Mayo is traditionally a celebration of the margarita and all of its inherent glory.
Many observe the holiday by visiting a Mexican-themed restaurant and drinking enough tequila to make Ignacio Zaragoza ashamed he defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla. Much like St. Patty's Day, the 5th of May tends to bring out amateurs hell-bent on donating their funds at the altar of Cirrhosis, God of liver-destruction.
The past Friday, Motley Cruë front man, Vince Neil offered a different, arguably healthier venue for those looking to part with their cash. More specifically, he played host to the "10th Annual Skylar Neil Golf Tournament and Auction" at the lovely Lost Canyons Gold Club in California's Ventura county.
"Ten years ago, [Vince's] daughter passed away from Leukemia," Christopher Buttner, the tournament's publicist told us, "This tournment has grown out of his involvement in raising money for Cancer, AIDS and Leukemia research."
Before you get all upset and complain that such a traditionally bourgeois sport has nothing to do with porn, let us remind you that this tournament was started by the frontman of MOTLEY CRUË. Former HUSTLER contract girl, Jessica Jaymes was present, as was the hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy. Each hole was sponsored by a company not typically associated with golf: Jagermeister, Wicked, Red Light District to name a few.
We arrived shortly before the foursomes returned from their loop around one of the club's two, 18-hole courses. As cater-waiters scrambled and chafing dishes steamed, we spent the only free time we would have checking out the offerings of the silent auction.
Spread over two tables, the items up for grabs would make anyone consider asking for a line of credit increase—Evander Holyfield's boxing gloves, a print signed by Tony Soprano himself, an autographed Tony Hawk skateboard. We were tempted to go after the signed picture of Paris Hilton just so we could put it in the HustlerWorld bathroom and think of her every time we evacuate our bowels. Her donation was for a good cause, but Paris still sucks. Seriously, fuck her.
A triumphant and slightly inebriated yell signaled that the golfers were finishing their rounds and making their way back to the clubhouse. This also signaled the last quiet moment we would have during the event.
Before the scheduled live auction, the tournament participants and sponsorship girls milled around outside the dining area. It was during this time that we ran into our favorite little squirter, Angela Stone, looking lovely in a vividly-colored Chanel (Editor's Note: Why do you know that?) dress. We also met Cousin Stevie of "Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party" fame. We also became transfixed on Vince Neil's seriously blinged-out watch when he joined us at our table.
The booze was flowing-freely, as were the golfers' anecdotes. The only printable item we were privy to prior to the auction was that Dennis Haskins, "Saved By The Bell's" Mr. Belding, was forced to cancel his participation in the tournament due to a case Montezuma's Revenge. Perhaps he was taking the celebration of Cinco de Mayo a tad too far.
Before the live auction began—emceed by the host of some show on some station that's not affiliated with HUSTLER, Tiffany Granath—the silent one came to a rousing conclusion marked by a audience countdown.
The live auction's offerings were worth every penny the lucky winners eventually paid for them. From a lunch date with a Wicked Pictures starlet to a Jagermeister guitar (signed by all the girls in attendance, no less) to a reproduction of Motley Cruë's star on the Walk of Fame, the items were one-of-a-kind.
Tiffany did have her work cut out for her, though. There was a noticeable drop in the level of attention being paid near the auction's end. A full day of golf, booze and boobies tends to have that affect. She must be commended as she and her partner in crime, Sunny Lane, managed to keep things moving and the crowd enthusiastic.
At the day's completion, the tournament was a success for all of the right reasons (and a few of the wrong ones). "This is by far the biggest turnout," Christopher Buttner told us. "It should be the most lucrative as well."
