We still thought we might have had the wrong place. There was no lighting guy. There was no grip. There was no PA. Actually, we initially took Mr. Pete for the PA, but that's neither here nor there. What the hell is going on? Where is everybody? We now know what Cillian Murphy's character in 28 Days Later must have felt upon waking up from his month-long coma. We expected a house abuzz with cast and crew and got just the opposite.

It wasn't until our eyes met with Memphis Monroe that we knew were in the right place. Soon after greeting the HUSTLER contract girl and remarking how ludicrously hot she looked, we met with the bane of our existence for that day, Van—Mr. Styles if you're nasty.

It took about .5 seconds for our anger to subside. His mistake was an honest one and he apologized profusely. It also helped that Memphis vouched for him. "He's the easiest director I've ever worked with," she said. If he's good enough for Memphis, he's good enough for us.

With the unpleasantries out of the way, he explained the reason why the set was so empty: "I think it's a lot more intimate and easier for the performers." It's obviously more cost-effective as well. Van shoots, edits, and acts as PA and craft services on all of his sets. He told us he usually goes for houses that are naturally lit so he doesn't have to worry about a lighting rig. Larry Flynt must love Van—he's a one-man porno band.

The scene being filmed that day was a girl-girl-boy between Memphis, Nautica Thorn, and Mr. Pete. Memphis and Nautica, in complementing bikinis adorned with skulls (it's Barely Legal: Corrupted, remember) looked fantastic. "I liked my outfit yesterday too," Memphis told us, "it had polka dots and I love polka dots." We prefer skulls, but that's probably why we're not a contract girl. That, and we lack a vagina.

While stills were being shot, Van kept asking Nautica to show the arch of her back and we're thankful she granted his request. It was pretty much a perfect semi-circle. If we were geeks, we probably would have been thinking this:

But we're not geeks, so were thinking how awesome that must look on camera and that we need a new girlfriend.

Once the filming of the scene actually commenced, shooting didn't stop. We're used to being on sets where a shot is staged, argued about and then re-staged. From start to finish, this scene took no more than 3 hours to complete. They must have hit 6 or 7 positions that we'd never seen before...it's amazing what Nautica's back can do for a scene. All the while, everyone was laughing, smiling and having a genuinely good time. It was great to see and be a part of.

"Did you work yesterday," Nautica asked Mr. Pete.

"No."

"So you have a good load saved up," remarked Van.

"Hells no. I jerked off all day!"

Even though he spent the previous day sinning, Mr. Pete almost came prematurely during the scene. He shot up, jumped around for a little bit and calmed himself. Is that even possible? We've ejaculated three times while writing this and we haven't done anything. Life is sometimes unfair.

Nearing the scene's completion, Van elicited the help of the performers in determining the best position for the pop shot. Memphis on top, with Nautica beneath her? Mr. Pete finishing on their asses? Both girls getting a facial? "I'd rather swallow than do a facial," Nautica stated. After a few moments of confabulation, Nautica's idea of eating the cum off of Memphis's face ended up being the winner. Who said democracy's dead?

After everyone showered and dressed, Van whipped out his company check book and paid them on the spot, donning yet another hat.

"Is there anything he doesn't do?" we asked ourselves, our incredulity reserves reaching empty.

He doesn't perform, we later learned.

How lazy.