LARRY FLYNT'S HUSTLERWORLD

We came across this article over the weekend. Alex Yawar over at OhmyNews wrote a doomsday piece arguing that pornography is changing the nature of sex for the worse. We usually wouldn't comment on such drivel, but when he wrote that "rape has been normalized" because of pornography, we were compelled to respond. That's a cheap shot that we expect to hear from some undergraduate women's studies major at Smith, not a member of the press or someone with a penis.

We could spend all day pointing out the flaws in Miss Yawar's argument, but we don't have that kind of time—there's too much porn to watch. Lucky for us, she makes five assertions about how porn has changed the nature of sex. Here are their translations:

1. "Firstly, porn has seeped into the rest of popular culture, significantly altering how people think about sex."

Translation: I caught my mom masturbating and can't get an erection anymore.

2. "Secondly, pornography has made sex more violent."

Translation: My girlfriend tried to stick her finger up my butt and it freaked me out.

3. "Thirdly, there has been a substantial shift in women's perceptions of self as a result of pornography: increasingly, they are unhappy with their most obviously female biological features, and are resorting to plastic surgery to change them."

Translation: I have never seen an episode of Baywatch or watched MTV and must find a way to blame pornography for everything.

Further Translation: My girlfriend won't get implants.

4. "Fourthly, sex has been sped up beyond all recognition. In the era of the Internet and mobile telephony, porn has reduced sex to clip-size, something to be downloaded from server to wireless device, increasingly on the move: McSex."

Translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

5. "Given all this, the fifth consequence of the massive and unprecedented pornographization of the developed world does not come as too much of a shock: there is a lot less of the real article about."

Translation: I'm a virgin.

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The End of Sex? HustlerWorld Responds.