Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News...I've Got A Bad Case of Everything
Last Friday marked an important milestone here at HustlerWorld. It was our 1.5 year anniversary with Hustler, so our benefits finally kicked in. Other than becoming the proud owners of accidental death and dismemberment insurance, we can now afford to visit a doctor. Huzzah!
We were amazed, but we were able to schedule a doctor's visit on almost no notice. Michael Moore may be making a big stink about privatized health care in his film Sicko, but our experience couldn't have been more pleasant. Dr. Acula was the consummate professional. He may have taken a little more blood than we would have liked, but he's the one with the degree from Transylvania State, not us.
We asked for the works and boy did he deliver: Our blood pressure is perfect, although our cholesterol is a tad on the high side. And the doctor gave us a huge compliment about the quality of our blood: "I've never seen anything like it. Ah ah ah."
Following the jump, take a look what was found in our red sauce (plus a bonus discovery!).
Chlamydia
Fun fact: Recent phylogenetic studies have revealed that chlamydia shares a common ancestor with modern plants. The genetic encoding for certain. enzymes is remarkably similar in plants and chlamydia, demonstrating a close common ancestry.
Gonorrhea
Fun fact: Gonorrhea is also commonly known by the slang term "the clap", although the expression's etymology is unknown. Another great term for it is "dripping dick". This mainly because of the discharge coming from the urethral opening of the penis. Awesome!
Syphilis
Fun fact: Syphilis stopped being cool in like 1995. Also, the character of George from Grey's Anatomy got syphilis after sleeping with Nurse Olivia, who got it from sleeping with Alex first. She's a total slut.
Hepatitis B
Fun fact: Hepatitis B usually gets better on its own after a few months (Editor's Note: Woo hoo!). It may, however, cause a more serious chronic infection. (Editor's Note: Fuck!)
Herpes
Fun fact: Celebrities may be immune from justice, but not from the cruel hand of "the herp". Check out these totally unconfirmed Valtrex prescription holders: David Hasselhoff, Bill Clinton, Moby, Tony Bennett, Robin Williams, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Jason Kidd, Fred Durst, Billy Idol, Colin Farrell, Lauren Hutton, Sheryl Crow, Paris Hilton (duh), Victoria Beckham, Pamela Anderson, Lucie Arnaz, Janet Jackson, Tawny Kitaen, Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Alyssa Milano, Kristanna Loken
HPV
Fun fact: Although condoms are highly effective for preventing the transmission of other sexually transmitted diseases, recent studies have concluded that condoms only offer partial protection, at best, against the transmission of genital HPVs. So don't wear one.
Pubic Lice
Fun fact: The crab louse can live in almost any form of human hair, but is found most commonly in pubic hair, leading to its other common name of "pubic louse". We named this little bugger "Amanda" after one of our favorite actresses, the lovely Ms. Peet.
We might have left the doctor's office with a stack of prescriptions, but now that we have insurance, that doesn't matter! We can afford each and every one of them. We're actually looking forward to getting sick these days, just so we can make use of our low, low deductible.
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